A
pre-script – rebuttals of unfavourable album reviews are lame,
self-serving and immature – this one is no different. Cries of
bias, confusion and vanilla lack of taste are every day and I care
for them not a fuck. But sometimes, one-times, a man may feel
compelled to stand up (or sit, in my case) against what he feels is a
great injustice and exhibit his right to reply – well, this is my
time and I hope it’s not my last because, to be quite honest, I’ve
really enjoyed it. Please read whilst accepting the implicit
understanding that any forum-based comments of the nature of ‘if
you can’t take the criticism then don’t release the record’ are
even more passé than this piece itself which is to say – very
passé indeed.
Dear
Mr.Cohen
Many
things occurred to me on reading your review of the new future of the
left record 'the plot against common sense' and I would like to take
this opportunity to debate with you some of the points you raise in
the piece, although of course by 'debate' I mean 'shut up and listen
to me'.
According
to the opening line of your review I am 'something of a hero to you'.
I would almost be flattered by this sentence if it were not for the
level of qualification obliquely provided by the use of 'something'
but will choose to skip over the ham-fisted arse-kissing of your
opening and move on to deal with some of the more pertinent matters
of the day.
Allow
me to efuckidate in an easy-to-understand fuck-by-point manner -
As
we approach the bottom of your first paragraph you refer to the
'corporate
slick production on future of the left's third album'
(*1) - a question, my dear friend - would this be the kind of
corporate slickness you get through recording an album in 16 days
(using the same methods as ever) over a six month period in studio
downtime and friend-financed to the tune of £2,000 (whilst we work
in temporary jobs and with credit, when available, to support our
habit) or instead the kind of corporate-slickness (since, as tone
indicates, we’re using the term pejoratively) a person could get
from writing for a site which has run the adverts of a variety of
corporations, big and small, for many years? I may not be wearing my
eyeglasses at this particular moment, but I can definitely see a
lovely shiny one sitting atop your review at this very moment.
Oh
… it has moving pictorials and everything – quite lovely!
It
must indeed be tough to attempt to write from the perspective of the
anti-corporate outsider when you are, apart from the mastering
engineer (Sean, who did a really good job) probably (*2) the first
person involved in the whole process of making and releasing the
album to get paid because of it's existence. Following your lead, I’m
going to let that one ‘sink
in’.
Now
we've summed up, albeit with a tenuous nod to reality, the sound of
the album, it's probably time to move onto the other aesthetic
signifiers of the record in order to establish our burgeoning theorem
more thoroughly...
‘...
what about the cover and the goddamn title of The Plot Against Common
Sense? What in god's name is the author of "Fuck This Band"
doing stealing ideas from unpublished John Stossel books?’
I
can only assume that ‘John Stossel’ is the kind of peculiarly
North American reference that pervades the reviews which sit about
websites of this type, acting as smug and impenetrable signifiers of
absolutely nothing at all. I, the ‘author’, googled ‘Mr
Stossel’ and can find no absolute evidence of a monopoly of
commonsense on his part let alone any indication that he and I could
agree that the term has any unified or even loosely defined meaning.
I do, however, detect the ascribing to us of the safe, conservative
values which are exhibited far more freely within your own work and
again, applaud you for attempting to deal with your complicity and
guilt in such a public forum.
As
for the cover, well, there’s a penguin on it you stupid cunt.
Now,
onto the lyrics, as the case for the defense continues.
In
short(ish) - it is of incredible interest to me and, indeed, surprise
to find out that 'polymers are forever' is about plastic surgery (it
isn't - it's about the environmental/marine impact of plastic waste,
in a customarily indirect way) that 'anchor' is in some way an unfair
fight visited upon Alcoholics Anonymous (it isn't, although you got
the word 'alcohol' right(*3)) and that 'a guide to men', is 'another
song about pagan orgies' (wrong again, although I can understand the
mere use of the word 'orgy' setting off your second grade
arousal/memory triggers). Admittedly 'sorry dad, I was late for the
riots' IS a song about trustafarian rioters, those fucking rotters,
and is a pretty bloody funny Half Man Half Biscuit tribute at that,
replete with lyrics that apparently haven't so much gone over your
head as clean through it. One out of four correct is a pretty bad
return for a writer on a website with so much conscious sway over the
opinions of thousands of people – a simple email may have disabused
you of some of these assumptions though perhaps would have only led
you to other ‘facts’ on which to hang your naked bones.
On
'robocop 4 - fuck off robocop' (incidentally, for the cynical and/or
interested reader I post a live video recorded at a guitar shop of
the song near the end of this response, complete with full lyrics) we
will simply have to agree to disagree. However, if it is truly
amongst the worst songs of the year then I am a giant bat and
Pitchfork a cave into which I will shit golden effigies of your face.
Sorry
- too much ginger beer.
In
twelve years of releasing records I have only twice felt compelled to
respond, privately in those cases, and was reasonably set on a
similarly benign course until two bells (figuratively speaking)
resonated in the heart of the sodden internet. Firstly, obviously
satisfied with the ebb and cod-ebb of your piece you tweeted a link
to the review. In fine repose you sat, and introduced 'I
suppose the problem is that most touring funk bands had to get
sober'.
Well, I see you that and raise you 'I suppose the problem is that Ian
Cohen is effectively reviewing an album from ten years ago by a band
that no longer exists. His burning nostalgia for a lost teenage love
has been replaced by an uncontrollable hatred for her and her new,
happy life even though she went to college (Masters in Ancient
History, specialising in the early to mid Roman Republic) and grew
into those tits like you wouldn't believe. In fact, he hates her so
hard (yet helplessly) that he once applied for a Visa card in her
name, badly, in order to somehow affect her credit rating and thus
deny her the home she had dreamed about for so many years'.
Secondly,
and rather more importantly, I was browsing a forum I occasionally
visit today, a one filled with gen-u-ine music fans, the kind who
wouldn't be easily swayed by invective, praise or otherwise, when I
came upon the following quote in a discussion of this review -
'Still
looking forward to the album, but some of those lyrics he quotes are
pretty shocking. Pitchfork in well written review shocker.'
Influence
laid bare, I think. A comment made in good(ish) faith on the basis of
two whole quoted lines and several calamitous misinterpretations,
which you'll remember that we covered in an earlier, simple module.
The opposite of the truth - a construct on which to hang a glib
hypothesis. I can honestly say that, whatever you think of the music,
that the lyrics on 'the plot against common sense' are the best I've
written (and yes - in either band) by a factor of FUCK LOADS(*4). And
Ian, I don't address that last sentence to you, I address it to
anybody with the good grace and faith to describe themselves as a
'fan' in as much as they trust that we love our band and know exactly
what we are doing even when it doesn’t tally exactly with their
tastes.
Sadly,
(or not as the case may be) I suppose that this group of people does
not include you but, hey, we both need to be comfortable with this. I
am - are you? It's
like we've reached the end of a line, you and I ... a line we walked
together when I never even knew that you existed. I'm sorry. I hope
you find solace in the ten-year anniversary re-release.
best
Andrew
Falkous
ps.
In reference to a couple of songs you say that I can ‘barely
muster the effort’,
implying, I suppose, that my heart really isn’t in the whole
enterprise. Let me assure you, in the strongest possible terms, that
it is.
pps.
Oh, and I’m sorry that you feel so much regret for buying those Bad
Religion records – that’s too bad. Still when the relevance of
this tragic tale to our new album crops up, give me a shout, yeah?
(*1)
always in lower case, mrsupernumberonefan.
(*2)
I use the word 'probably' because I only assume that you are paid for
your work, such as it is.
(*3)
and who in the name of clunking fuck chooses Alcoholics Annonymous as
a target? You really must try harder if you want to set me up as your
‘lunkhead’.
Try and write more realistic characters, for a start.
(*4)
don't be scared to embrace the jargon, kids.
----------------------------------------------------
robocop
4 - fuck off robocop
jaws?
jaws2?
more
jaws?
or
jaws rebooted?
please
- let's take a second to think about a future
state
of
love
and
bliss
brought
to you by
wish
lists
of
eight year old boys who only crave explosions
why?
well
being
eight
they
have an excuse -
they
are eight!
and
giant robots cannot distract them from their fate
middle
aged men on a movie date
committed
to mortal shame
hey!
relax!
NO-ONE
DIED!
in
fact- they left improved
if
Michael Bay wants a bigger house, let's help him
art?
ha!
where
you from?
where
you been?
he
said -
I
went to Cannes once and and really did not have much
fun
why?
well
being
French
they
talk too much
and
all those pages of subtitles kept getting stuck
1
becomes 2, 2 becomes 3
1
becomes 2, 2 becomes 3
pirates
of the caribbean 47
johnny
depp stars as the robot pirate
who
(loses) his wife in a game of poker
and
tries to win her back with hilarious consequences
at
least Harry Potter has a proper story
in
the sense that the characters crave an ending
if
(only) to release poor Billy Corgan
from
his role as the titular character's nemesis
robocop
4 is in pre-production
like
robocop 3 wasn't bad enough
and
George Lucas won't be kicking his heels
til
he makes some money from Howard the Duck
robocop
4 is in pre-production
like
robocop 3 wasn't bad enough
i
hope the projectionist likes his action
motion
tracked and medicated
(the
first director died)
